Thank You

The power of hope and faith can be quite surreal, but no one should attempt to question how and why. Its a pandora's box, amazingly simple yet intricately and comfortingly linked to the human spirit.

The hospital has discharged Dad from the hospital and he is well now. They made a decision to halt the Asprin momentarily to ease the profuse bleeding. It worked but not without side effects. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore, because now he watches the 7pm news at home.

I am deeply touched by the concerns you have shown to me during this arduous time. Even residing some 3 thousand miles away, I feel the strength of combined prayers. It feels unjustified that I can only recite a Thank You. Your messages, posts, replys and pats will forever dwell deep in my need for reciprocation.

And you, my sunshine and my love. In these words, I can only merely scrape the surface of the amount of appreciation I have. Just knowing that you are back home, taking care of them and loving them as your own, is to me, the most assuring display of faith, trust, compassion and love.

I am confident about my decision. I never doubt the fact that it is you I want to spend my life with.

Epilogue

"Am i your princess?"
"Yes you are"
"Ok then say goodnight my little princess"
"Goodnight little princess"
"Goodnight toad..."

-Tiffany & Spencer

Doctors II

Evil Doctors - Cause and Effect

Buddhist teachings embedded in me teaches me on the laws of Karma, that when there is a cause, there is an effect. A spiritual obligation or debt that one must pay or recieve for the actions in his life. My beliefs threads deep and this faith in the supernatural often fuels more injustice in my family's saga with the medical profession.

As I write this, Dad lies weak, his strength drained from the intense pressures one feels after an operation. You did not hear me wrong, I said an operation. This was the inevitable I was decribing, this was the repercussions that I was predicting. You would remember in an ealier post that complications had occured, that Dad's current cardiac conditions forbids surgery. The cyst on his skin is actually a lipoma, a type of benign tumor, not cancerous because it doesn't invade neighbouring tissues, but often grow to great sizes superficially. Under the skin, blood vessels twine around the growth, feeding it. Yesterday, it raptured. The initial wound was not that deep, but still he bled profusely. They warded him and adviced that in order to prevent the lipoma from contaminating and ultimately poisoning the blood, it had to be removed. Surgery was inevitable.

As mentioned, Dad is on a medication call Asprin, used primarily to thin the blood, so that the 'stents' in his arteries do not collapse. Something that needs to be taken for life, if halted, he runs the risk of cardiac arrest. Needless to say, they proceeded, removing the lipoma, widening the wound. It has been 24 hours after the operation, and still the bleeding persist. Dad is weak, pale from vomitting, frail from blood loss. All from an operation classified as minor.

I must admit that I am filled with rage, but yet I try to understand that doctors made difficult decisions. Deciding on the patient's best interest, although sometimes I really wonder. I want someone to blame, I want someone to hurt for all the pain Dad needs to endure. I search endlessly through my mind for names and positions, but there are too many. And the government says there isn't enough, 1:700 ratio, thats almost 6500 of them, not enough?

I try to trace incidents and I end up with another resulting incident. The profuse bleeding caused by the blunder in the cardiac administration. The cardiac status, left undetected and only surfaced when they realised he hadn't cleared examination prior to transplant. Even the diagnosis of renal failure some 10 years ago was incompetant. Just last year, 8 years into dialysis, one kidney suffered internal bleedings. They operated to plug the wound and remarked, "Why put him on dialysis, his kidneys are still 30% functioning" It was a local anaesthetic surgery so Dad heard every word, his heart sank, my rage only grew.

Can I justify that life is 'like that', that things 'happen', that its never fair. No! Absolutely not. Not when there are blundering baffoons amidst the equation. Cause and effect, my faith demands that justice be served, yet in my innermost conscious, I want to serve it myself. Friends tell me they are just doing their jobs, agreed. The job of making a complete mockery of the sanctity of life. I work to put food on the table, to support the lives of my family and I believe many do so for the same reasons. These 'heroes' work in factors where mistakes and incompetancy cause suffering to others, and I often wonder if the very same bowl of rice we bring home ever taste the same.

And me, I can only do what a son must do. To give Dad the mental will and strength to push on. To give him a reason to stay alive. To tell him that he 'MUST' watch me graduate. To tell him that he 'MUST' carry his grandchild. To keep my body healthy so as I may be an immediate donor in an emergency. (why not now? them...again) These are those that are important now, my actions limited by the laws that protect them, my voice restricted to this channel of expression.

Tiffany just called, an ambulance is arriving soon to send Dad to CGH. The bleeding has not stopped. Even until now...

Pray with me my friends,
It is all I can do being so far away.

Epilogue

"dunno if daddy will live to see you graduate"
"i said before, you talk like that again and i'm not talking to you anymore"
- dad & me

Complete...

Tiffany – My Love, My Treasure, My Everything

“Organisationally I love you through my behaviour coz politically you are my hubby but perpetually not accepted coz yet to legally be married"

11th Aug 2006 15:50:41

This post is just as how you would have predicted from the title, an ultimate declaration of love. Why so? Because she’s worth every ounce of it. We met, of all places, in a pub. Yes, the brutality of the truth, a pub my friends, that was the beginnings of this love story. Not your usual romance spot like a library or park or ice-cream stand, but a loud, eardrum-mutilating, smoke-infested, alcohol-smelling pub.

Yet under all these distractions, she appealed to me. The feeling probably wasn’t reciprocated yet, I mean, look at me. She was a friend’s friend, and it was another friend’s friend birthday bash. Kinda like a Friendster in reality, you don’t know anyone but somehow, through the web of friends, you’re amazingly connected to everyone.

So we talked, joked and drank a little. We shared a cab back to the east and talk even more. I was drawn to her simplicity, how she giggled at everything, how she sneered at bad drivers, how her eyes stay so intrigued during our conversations. She was different, special and unique in her own ways. And yes, she made my heart tremble. It was pounding, beat for beat as it screamed to me, “Don’t you dare screw this up!” After dropping her off at her place, I carried on the journey home. I enjoy the company of honest cabbies, they really make your day sometimes.

Cabbie: Good to see youngsters still send their girlfriends home

Me: No uncle, she’s not my girlfriend

Cabbie: Ah? Then what you waiting for?

Me: Huh, no la…

Cabbie: Boy…you like her?

Me: Sort of, but we just met.

Cabbie: But I can sense she likes you

Me: How? (this dude reads minds?)

Cabbie: Can la, uncle more experienced than you.

Me: Really?

Cabbie: If you like, don’t scared, ask her out, uncle guarantee she’ll go out with you

Me: Ha… ok I’ll ask her for a movie someday

Cabbie: No no no… movie cannot, go to the beach, rent bicycle then go cycling together, ah..like that

Me: Ok I’ll keep that in mind…(I was sniggering under my breath)

No one knows about this conversation I had with the cabbie, not even Tiffany. Oh well, this is a declaration. As I left the cab, the million-dollar question struck. “Is she attached?” I pondered over that as I took my shower, then it occurred to me, I knew her name, her block and that was it. I had no numbers, no email, nothing. Hopes were grinded into dust, I collapsed onto my bed, practically pinching myself for making a complete blunder of this. I sighed, lit a cigarette and puffed myself to sleep.

My mobile wailed the next morning; it was a thank you message from her. I felt stupefied, my eyes in absolute awe. Didn’t bother questioning how she got it, the fact was she did and now I have hers. The blessing was evident. We went out, talked, shared drinks and opinions, debated and laughed. She presents a strong, street-smart image and amidst that, centralises a certain naive ness that makes every conversation so alluring. I’ve never been a really good talker, with her I never need to. She guides the conversation, prompting me to speak and hushing when she needs silence. Yet throughout our meetings, she respects my views, my time and my being.

We went for a holiday together, thereafter, we never looked back. Like a meadow blossoming beneath the springtime sunshine, our relationship strengthened, bit-by-bit it grew, in trust, in faith, in serenity. Attraction became passion and passion became love. Now, for lack of a better word, I believe what we have has evolved into a certain infatuation. Almost addictive, hardly paranoid, but simply seductive. She has taken a place in my heart, secured it and made it her own. Even being far away, I feel her presence close within me. My light in times of darkness, my hope in times of despair. Openly embracing me, accepting my flaws, appreciating my gestures, unifying our souls. Laying honesty and support for the creation of affection and the foundations of a future.

Describe it in a word? Complete. Definitely complete.

Darling

Oh when you look at me, you’re eyes are all that I see
And when you smile to me, it brings me down to my knees
Your touch your sweet caress, are all I dream to hold
And when you’re by my side, I’ll never feel the cold

Darling, hold my hand and let our feelings unfold
Nothing will come between this love,
That we call our own

Now that you wear my ring, its happiness that you bring
Walking down the aisle, an unbelievable thing
To whisper in your ears, the words I’d say to you
The words just meant for you, the words that say I do

Darling, hold my hand and let our feelings unfold
Nothing will come between this love,
That we call our own

Epilogue

Through blood and tears, it’s all worthwhile
Just to see, my angel smile
-me

Doctors

Preface

I've never imagined who my audience would be nor do I intend to ever. I use words in retrospect of feelings, misguided as they may be, they in turn control my emotions. I stand firm on my grounds, not as a writer but as a victim.

Of Knowing

Know yourself and know your enemy
A thousand battles a thousand victories
But there comes a battle where we know none at all
So do we hope fear or worry

But man has produced many wonderous leaps
In medicine, science and technology
A victory assured, I beg to differ
For man is still the enemy

Evil Doctors? - The Rhetoric or The Real

I was browsing through sites last night when i came across a couple of news article.

Doctor Jailed for Secret Lewde Pictures - 5th April 2006
GP forged voucher to claim pay for NS in-camp stint - 11th April 2006

Ironically it didn't strike me, I had lost faith in their profession of supposed healing, I don't trust them anymore. I cannot, under all possible energies, see morality in what they do. The date was in September 2006, I had barely returned home with my fiancée when I saw Dad laying restless on the couch. He looked weak, he just had an argument, I could only guess. Dad like many in the country, suffers from Renal Failure. Often on days of dialysis, he would appear weak, but that day was indistinctively different. He wouldn't speak, I could see sadness in his eyes, his heart heavy, his mind unbehaving of his analytical spirit.

I approached Mum. Dad has what I call the 'Big 4', he visits 4 departments of specialisation, Urology for the renal failure, Respiratory for the pneumonia, Dermatology for the cyst and Cardiology for the heart. Quite a mouthful, but each specialisation focused on a narrow perspective on the area of healing, one would ask how could anything go wrong under such conditions. They did.

Everything started with renal failure, the toxins in the blood led to growths on the skin, the dermatologist was called in. The body's weaken state further subjected to respiratory illnesses. Heart problems appeared only after a transplant opportunity, where they realised that an operation was needed, ballooning they so called it.

The operation was a success, the 'stents' were in place, opening the collapsed blood vessels, the pneumonia was suppressed. Dad was then handed back to Urology and Dermatology, and then all hell broke loose. Ever heard of the saying, 'Birds of a feather flock together', apparently in the professional medical field, 'Birds of a feather, swoop away from each other'. 4 departments, 4 specialisations, 1 patient, 1 building, 1 institute, 1 victim - Dad. They didn't talk to each other; guess it wasn't in their profession to do so at all.

In order to prevent the 'stents' in the vessels from collapsing, a medication had to be administered to thin the blood, this is vital as thinned blood flows rapidly and thus is more difficult to clot. Under such conditions, Dad could no longer be operated on. Dermatology stalled mid air, and the institute dropped him off the transplant list.

I speak of the trust we have in these professionals, if we, simplistic citizens untrained in the art of medicine, see these white coats as our Samaritans, why then do tragedies occur. A random incident? Look at the article headings, 2 incidents in 1 month, not my perception of incidental.

If I were to put Dad's incident in more simpistic terms, it'd be like seeing a doctor for a cough, he does his examination and finds out you have a flu, miraculously cures your flu but you cough for the rest of your life. 10 years, Dad had been undergoing dialysis for 10 years, everyone, especially me blissfully awaiting the day the phone would ring, for he refuses to accept my organs. (Another story)

I did a search on evil doctors and came across a post by DrOzBloke,

I say to her, it is not always about money, doctors can earn millions and it is justified. Why people compare is because we are all dormant victims of the society's meritocracy. That sheet of compressed timber and fibers, lines in gold with carbonised letterings justifies the differing pay scale. What cannot be justified is the melodramatic abuse of Samaritan trust.

There are those who are different, shouldering qualities of a professional knowledged doctor imbued with the Samaritan qualities of a head nurse. But few.

As i speak, the institute scrambles in response to Mum's cyclonic black and white to the institute and its Ministry. They repeatedly fix appointments to discuss issues.

To cry over spilled milk? Evidently...

Epilogue

I need not guess, you'll know when I'm right
When the wrong show signs of unsleepable nights
-me

12.12.06

I guess i ought to explain what the numbers mean, 12.12.06, 12th of december 2006. I'm getting married on that day. Yes, its true and there she is, my angel. Friends have asked, 'are you sure?' and 'aren't you scared?' To say i'm not scared would be a blatant lie, the truth is I am but having faith is something so strong that many fail to acknowledge. I've done enough stupid, illogical and regretful stuff, and it came upon me one day. 'Its time'

(it wasn't easy)

But she was committed as her eyes were sweet. She wasn't the feminine image of myself but the masculine I never had. A certain completeness, complimenting, like cheese and biscuits, champagne and caviar, bees and honey, houseflies and rubbish. (you get the idea)

Know how some people say,

"The person I marry is not who i can live with but who i can't live without" ("utter bullocks")

Seriously, where did this come from. 'Dummies Guide to Crooning Women' ?? Ya, it all sounds nice and sweet and all that, but how true is it? More conservative cultures still have arranged marriages, and i'm not talking only about the Chinese and Indians, in these cases people marry first fall in love later.

Alright, my point is it simply doesn't exist. Marriage is a sacred union of two souls, tied together under oath and holy matrimony. The sad bit is that today, marriages are overly commercialised. I know of some who plan their wedding dinners as a business opportunity. Others for a house, some for the government incentives, and the best i've known, to stay out from army at nights. I mean...the abuse...its mindboggling.

And me? I just felt it was time. It did come quite suddenly, but not without reason. How do i explain this. You know the feeling that you have with that friend that you're always hanging out with, the one whom you wish you hadn't made some wrong turn back then and ended up in the 'friendzone'. Ok register that feeling, now erase the 'friendzone' and amplify that a little. That's what i have with her. Love based on the foundations of compassion and friendship. (kinda fairytale, i know...)

Yes, finding the right one is not easy, characters must match and all that. But stop...ponder with me, ask yourself, "who is the right one?" "is there an example or a reference?"

There probably is, and that person is or was the one who gave you the feeling i'm having. Somehow it went sour and things just didn't work out right? We always say that things don't work out, but it only happens because we as an individual allowed it to manifest. I was once like that, but when she entered my life, I did what needed to be done, making it work. The 'right one' is who we make him/her to be, it is a name not a person, a position to be filled, a void only left empty because you choose to let it be. Never was it a 'someone' or a 'who', it has always been a 'when?'

Tiffany

the windows to her heart, like diamonds in the dark
a whisper in her ear, the words she needs to hear

like winds of paradise, she came into my life
a whisper in her ear, my love

right before my eyes, she came into my life,
she's the one for me,
my tiffany my baby

and i will never lie, with her i'll never cry
she's the one for me
my tiffany my baby
my love

if i could turn back time, i'd still will make you mine
a whisper in her ear, just to have her near

when you held my hand, no words could comprehend
a whisper in her ear, my love

right before my eyes, she came into my life,
she's the one for me,
my tiffany my baby

and i will never lie, with her i'll never cry
she's the one for me
my tiffany my baby
my love

Epilogue

The history of free men is never written by chance but by choice, their choice.
When your today becomes your yesterday,
you will look back and realise that it was a result of your choice..

-Dad

Frogs

Frogs in a Well

We huddle together and stare up above.
The white and the blue gleaming down.
We look all around us and darkness we see,
Total tranquility astound.

"Are we ready?" I ask, "or wait one more day?"
They turn and undoubtfully frown
Poised and ready, we climb to the top,

From the corner the snakes make no sound.


We've all heard of the frog in the well story, of how a little frog lives happily in his well, protected and fed, far away from the dangers out above. The moral being that this frog is too narrow minded, missing out on the opportunities above. In a certain way, this fable does make sense. We must embrace opportunities and not be simply satisfied by what we have around us. However, i like to bring a different connotation to this analogy. That we are beginning to take the protection of the well for granted. In an overly-zealous mind to take over the world, we start crumbling back into the well. Its a sad situation, and it is happening.

I was having coffee alone just 2 days ago, black with sugar, no milk. I was doing mindmaps for a module, sipping coffee and smoking. Then this group of young-ish boys came and occupied the table next to me. Ordered their drinks and began talking, needless to say, i was listening. They were talking about the future, starting a business, making it big, earning figures in tens of thousands. I was impressed, made my $2300 a month look like ear-wax. Then the conversation got interesting, a debate started.

A : That's why i hang out with people with brains

B : Innovation, thats how to make money

C : So how long do you intend to work before starting this?

A : Work, you mean be a salaried worker?

B : Ya, get experience, 5, 6 may 10 years?

A : (aggitated) I am not going to be tied down by a job that requires me to wake at 8 and end at 5

B : Friend, you think doing your own business allows you to start at 11 and finish at 3, then bum around for the rest of the day

A : Yes, you know what i want to be doing at 9 in the morning, i want to be at a golf course, and at 5 i want to be having a massage before dinner in my boat. Not trying to be rude, look at our parents, 40, 50+ and still working, i want to freaking enjoy my life then.

B : Then your kids? Eat grass?

A : I will not just sit back and let my kids enjoy my wealth, i will give them the necessities, one car, one house, some money thats it.

(big dreams huh? here's where it simply crashes)

B : So can work?

A : Can. Take about 1oo, 200 grand from our parents should be ok. You sure your connections good?

B : Ey, my mother knows everyone, she can pull us in and get all the admin stuff

A : Ok! Big risk. Big money.

Risk? Where's the risk in this? I love the part when he said "I will not just sit back and let my kids enjoy my wealth". Best part is that it's going to be an accountancy firm, classic example of ignorance. And this is just one of the many examples i've seen of today's youth. Blinded by wonderful aspirations built upon achievements of predecessors, their parents. Now, hard work and long hours don't mean a successful life. The fundemental perception of success is distorted, Maslow's heirarchy of needs continues to be bombarded by arguements. New world theorist write literature that Generation Y, 20-30 yr olds, are motivated by achievment rather than physiologicals. Young graduates enter the workforce jobless because employers cannot meet the demanded salary. Why???

Because the well has served it's purpose too well. The well had been constructed through hard work, sweat and blood. Layer upon layer of brick and cement, ultimately creating the foundations of a sanctuary. Here we are bred, nurtured and energised to one day leap out of the well and build one for our own. Blinded by the assumptions formed from the fortified nature of upbringing, we face the snakes, only to come running back to where we know is safe, our well.

I use we very openly, and I believe to a certain extent that the upcoming generations are being overly protected. I always ask, "what if there was nothing, would you still dream the way you do?"

Blinded

To see Fire as fuel and not something that burns
To see Water as a drink and not something that drowns
To see Lightning as beauty and not something that kills

To see Life as yours, when it is actually given

Epilogue

Take two steps forward then one step back,
Two for ambition and one for its fact
-me

The Mirror of my Past

The Mirror that Shows the Past - part 1

"Why does this always happen to me?"
"Was it something i said, saw or decree?"
These words only too familiar to me,
The life of a shattered, destroyed endlessly.

But cry as I may, nothing changed nothing did.
Everyday would pass like a non-growing seed.
Hoping and yearning for something to change,
Crying and praying to be back in the game.

But no one answered my screams in the night,
In fact no one dared or cared given might.
Willfully degraded, insulted and used,
I pondered this journey, still scared and confused.

This little insignificant speck of energy i call my life has turned out really quite unexpectedly well. But it is not without humps and bumps, turns and corners, straights and dead-ends, all but mellow intricacies of what we so bluntly define as life. I wouldn't say i know alot, but i know far more than people my age. But i wasn't always so. Life is a journey and mine was a hot-air balloon with a jet engine. Circumstances allowed me to grow up pretty quick, my dad's health conditions played a great role in this. But the crazy bit started only during the last 6 to 7 years. Ever blew a balloon and released it in a room, letting it run loose. That was me, loose..., untamed, Jack Russelly and stupid.

Everything practically stalled and plunged abyss-wards. Friends became acquaintances, acquaintances became passer-bys, and passer-bys became farts in an elevator (you know they're there, but you can't see them and don't know where they're from). Evidently, as you can see, it was a mess, like how some misguided skin colours enjoy their whipped potato all stirred up with chille sauce, tomato sauce and a squirt of tartar-a big disgusting mess.

Things only changed when i went away, persuing my undergraduate in a country far away. Here you see many like me, and the irony of looking at yourself seems to question reality. I was afriad of myself, i shunned and looked at everything from a distance away. That which lay before me revealed itself.

The Mirror that Shows the Past - part 2

Do my eyes decieve me, is it that which i see,
Fear admist pride?
Yet confused is he.

The guy by the side, he's lying to her,
Why does she smile?
What a blind little girl.

A group having coffee, talking loud about dreams.
Of cars and boats.
Spoilers and rims?

The world around me, did it suddenly stop,
Did some great wizard
Just turned back the clock.

Or have i gone crazy, mentally insane,
I count my 10 fingers,
And my toes have a name.

I need to lie down, something weird is astir,
My toes speak to me,
My vision gone blur.

I wake in the morning, the dream fades at last,
"Its just like a mirror,
A mirror of my past."

Epilogue

Its not my quest to take what is mine,
Nor is it my destiny to understand why

-me

Serendipity

And so it Begins...

The essence of singularity, a divine and mystic force that is the creator of many great things. Galileo only began discovering planets when struck by isolation, monks regard solitude as a means of spiritual enlightenment, even the very universe we inhabit was created by one singular atomic explosion. That is the power of singularity, of being alone, of facing solitude, of appreciating the silence. It changes things, the way we view the world, the way we view others, the way our inner voice speaks louder than anyone else. It came to me, this accidental gift, this is serendipity, my serendipity.